6 Tips for Handling a High Conflict Divorce

Divorce is already a complex and emotional time, but when you factor in a difficult ex, ongoing court actions and custody disputes, an inability to communicate, restraining orders, or a history of abuse, divorce becomes that more difficult to navigate. These characteristics define a “high conflict divorce,” where the hostility is so persistent and active that it becomes difficult to really become separated from each other. Add in children and co-parenting, and this conflict intensifies. About 10% of all divorces are considered high conflict, and often, this can seem impossible to escape.

At In Sight Counseling Connections, we work with high conflict divorces frequently, and help individuals break free from their exes so that they can live the life that they want without the ongoing hostility. If you are going through a high conflict divorce, consider these 6 major tips to start the healing process, gain confidence in yourself, and remove yourself from the constant combat of post-divorce life.

1. Set Boundaries

At the center of this relationship, there may be hurt feelings that need time to heal. Setting boundaries for yourself can allow your yourself to emotionally cope with the loss, along with the pressure of a high conflict divorce. Your ex may react by asserting themselves into your life, whether that means regular phone calls, abrasive texts, or even showing up at your doorstep. It is okay for you to set clear and regular boundaries for your ex, and this type of structure will help decide what is acceptable behavior or not.

2. Maintain Careful Communication

Part of setting these boundaries is being careful when it comes to communication with your ex. Typically, communication with you ex just once a day is enough to settle legal procedures. When communicating, be sure to stand up for yourself, but remove yourself from the situation when texts, calls, or in-person visits become hostile. If you need to respond for legal reasons, draft a brief, factual email. Try to remove all emotion from the message, and even try leaving it for a day before you hit send.

3. Stabilize Emotions

One way to keep communication as civil as possible is to focus on stabilizing your emotions. This will not only make you feel more in control of the situation and your feelings, but will help in dealing with your ex. It’s natural to feel angry or depressed, but overreacting gives a high conflict ex exactly what they want. While this doesn’t mean ignoring your feelings, it does mean stabilizing your emotions enough to get through the situation as calmly as possible for healing and control.

4. Self-Care

One of the most important steps of navigating a high conflict divorce is to remember to take care of yourself. The ongoing conflict can truly take a toll on you, and if you neglect your own emotional and physical health, it becomes harder to break free. Start by setting a regular schedule that involves staying active and eating right. As hard as it might be, try to stay social: go out with friends, attend events, see family members, etc. Remembering to take care of yourself is one of the most important steps in the post-divorce healing process.

5. Have a Support System

Having people in your life who can support you is another essential part of self-care. A high conflict divorce is an emotionally exhausting process, and a narcissistic or controlling ex is not the person to turn to for encouragement. Find those who are willing to listen to your feelings and help you through the situation. Similarly, having a supportive team of professionals such as a legal counselor or family law attorney.

6. Consider Therapy

Another important support system to consider is a therapist. While each of these tips are helpful for coping in a high conflict divorce, it might not be enough. A qualified therapist, like In Sight Counseling Connections, can provide useful tools for dealing with your unique situation. While it may be difficult to talk to friends or family about your situation, a high conflict divorce therapist understands these situations, having walked with others through them.

If you are considering therapy or feel stuck in your feelings, please contact In Sight Counseling Connections. We specialize in high conflict divorce counseling in Denver, and we can help you navigate these difficult times. If you are ready to set yourself free from your high-conflict ex, contact us to schedule a free consultation. You do not have to go through this alone.