Trying to co-parent with a difficult ex is like trying to push a boulder up a hill. Frustrating, exhausting, and sometimes just impossible. Unfortunately, the communication never ends when you share custody of your children with your ex-spouse, no matter how hostile the relationship was when you two were married. For some, the conflict just intensifies after divorce, especially when deciding on a parenting plan, setting a visiting schedule, or simply making decisions about your children. From the arguing and bullying, to the alienation and silence, co-parenting with a difficult or narcissistic ex may seem unbearable.

There is hope, however. There are many things that you can do to help the communication between you and your ex, which will ultimately be for the good of your children. We specialize in co-parenting therapy here at In Sight Counseling Connections, especially when individuals are involved in a high conflict, post-divorce situation. That’s why we’ve put together the 5 top tips for co-parenting when you have an ex spouse that is hard to work with.

1. Set Boundaries

Trying to communicate with a person who constantly pushes back against you is not only frustrating, but it can easily end up in a downward spiral where nothing gets accomplished, especially important decisions regarding your children. One of the best ways to counteract the angry conversations, the missed appointments, the un-productive phone calls, is to set boundaries. Setting strict guidelines for how you and your ex interact will help make communication go smoother. For instance, make it known that if your ex starts screaming on the phone, then you will hang up the phone. If threats are a problem in your active communication with your co-parent, then shut down the conversation immediately. Set your boundaries—what you will and will not stand for—and stick to them.

2. Identify Triggers

Next, avoid the “hot” topics that you and your ex most commonly argue about. Avoid triggers like infidelity, betrayal, different partners, religion, parents, etc. when it comes time to make a decision about your kids. Know what makes you angry, what makes your ex angry, and avoid those conversation topics. Sometimes, it can’t be helped, but do your best to keep the conversation focused on your children at all times.

3. Decide on a Mode of Communication

Sometimes, in-person communication or over-the-phone conversations simply are not effective. Things get too heated, voices get raised, opinions get silenced, and nothing gets accomplished. If this is the case, find a mode of communication that works best for you. Sometimes, you may just have to revert to the written word. Talk to your ex only via text messages or emails. This is an effective way to keep emotions out of the message that you are trying to convey.

4. Consider Counseling

If things are just too difficult between you and your ex when it comes to parenting and making choices about your children, co-parenting counseling can be an incredible tool. By working with a professional in a one-on-one setting, you can learn the skills to better communicate with your ex. Parent coaching is also helpful when dealing with narcissistic exes, are coming out of a high conflict divorce, or if you’ve been alienated from your children’s lives. Counseling will not provide you with legal advice, but it can help you get to a better place with yourself, your ex, and your children.

5. Be there for your kids

The last and most important tip is to be there for your children. They went through the separation too, and their lives have been forever changed. Make sure to be present for your kids and let them know that they are loved, and that they are not to blame for what is happening. Keep them out of the middle, try not to fight with your ex with them present, and remember that they are the first priority. Trying to get to a better place with your ex will only benefit their future, even though communication may be incredibly challenging.

While a seemingly impossible task, co-parenting is possible, no matter the characteristics of your ex. The trick is learning what type of person your ex is post-divorce, and trying to communicate with that person to the best of your ability for the benefit of your children. If you want to learn more about co-parenting with a high conflict ex, contact us at In Sight Counseling Connections. We offer co-parent therapy in Denver and provide free first consultations. Give us a call today to set up an appointment!

In Sight Counseling Connections

303-264-9598