Communication is often a major factor for divorce, so is integral that you set boundaries between you and your ex when it comes to post divorce communication. Following boundaries will allow for you and your ex-spouse to move on in a healthy manner. Boundaries are especially important if you have children so you can exercise healthy co-parenting strategies and ultimately be respectable role models for your kids.
As a divorce counselor in Denver, I want to help you define communication boundaries and help you navigate through strategies. This is especially helpful if you have a difficult ex spouse who currently doesn’t respect what you have to say or responds in a hostile manner. Here are some tips to get started setting communication boundaries so you can begin to move on and live an emotionally healthy lifestyle post divorce.
Establish A Tone
It is important to establish a tone with your ex-spouse and discuss how you prefer to be spoken to. Avoid profanity, derogatory terms, and anything that may trigger your ex-spouse, even if they are speaking to you in that manner. Come up with pre-set responses that you can say when the conversation takes a disrespectful tone. Statements like “We can continue this conversation when you calm down,” establishes a tone and sets a boundary of respectful communication between you and your ex. Remember to always frame conversations as ways to be role models for your children and important people in your life. For more co-parenting strategies, read our latest post here.
Where, When, & Why
To begin establishing boundaries, figure out the following and write it down: where will we communicate, when is an appropriate window of time to communicate, and why do we need to communicate about this.
Where: Decide now if it is better to text, email, or chat on the phone.
If you’re dealing with an especially difficult or narcissistic ex, then stick to email so you can have the communication in writing. Often narcissistic or manipulative exes will try to absorb more of your time or emotional energy through communication. If necessary, create a separate email account and establish that communication will only happen through email so that you can decide when to check and respond to emails.
Narrowing communication channels is very helpful so that your ex-spouse cannot try to take more of your time and unnecessarily distract you from the positive parts of your day.
When: These conversations should only occur within a set time frame, so avoid late nights or work hours unless it is an emergency related to a child.
Difficult late-night conversations can hinder your sleep and make an already emotional time even harder. If necessary, get a separate cell phone for your kids to communicate with your ex-spouse when they are with you and for emergencies that cannot wait for email communication.
If you take the step to have extra channels of communication to avoid further manipulation attempts then note from the start that if this communication is abused then it will be cut off. You can always utilize a third party to facilitate communication if you’re in any danger or constantly being harassed.
Why: Before reaching out to communicate, acknowledge whether it is necessary to talk about the topic at hand. If it is not related about kids or court orders, then there likely isn’t a reason to continue the conversation. Part of divorce is accepting that you can no longer go to one another for personal advice or emotional support. If your ex-spouse is a narcissist they may use communication to bait and manipulate you, so if the topic will not have a healthy outcome for both of you then decline the communication entirely.
Benefits of Setting Boundaries
Divorce is an incredibly difficult experience, so all decisions should help toward a goal of moving on. Poor communication boundaries can hinder progress when trying to become emotionally, physically, and financially independent from one another. Setting these boundaries will give you both space and a clear picture of what will, and will not, be beneficial for you both and your children.
Create and Maintain Communication Boundaries with a Post-Divorce Therapist
If you are trying to navigate messy communication with a difficult ex-spouse then now is the perfect time to https://www.in-sightcounseling.com/post-divorce-counseling/contact In Sight Counseling Connections. Natalie Van Note (LPC) is a certified divorce counselor in Denver who specializes in post-divorce as well as co-parenting. She will help you create boundaries that will ultimately help you grow in a healthy manner. In Sight Counseling Connections is here to help you navigate this process and be part of your post- divorce support system. Call today for a free first phone consultation.